Abortion is Destroying Relationships and Ending Marriages
August 28, 2023
By Kevin Burke, LSW & Theresa Burke, Ph.D
Reprinted from LifeNews
Most Christian faith communities offer some form of marriage preparation for engaged couples who are planning their wedding. Such programs will commonly focus on topics such as communication/conflict resolution, the spiritual foundation of a Christian marriage, sexual intimacy, parenting and finances.
But one topic – abortion – is rarely covered in premarital preparation programs, a topic that can be key to a healthy, holy marriage and family life.
This is a very sensitive issue, and we must proceed with great love and charity but the failure to address the emotional and spiritual fallout from a past abortion, or multiple abortions, can be fatal to a relationship. This loss can significantly impact emotional and physical intimacy, communication and trust, and the parenting of living children.
Consider a Catholic couple, Mary and Joe, who dated in college, and after their first experience of sexual intimacy, faced an unplanned pregnancy. Mary told her boyfriend about the pregnancy and her decision to have an abortion, secretly hoping Joe would talk her out of it.
“I was waiting desperately for him to say something, to tell me we’d manage somehow,” she said. “It never happened.”
Joe laments, “I knew it was wrong, but I was silent. I never stood up for the baby.” He went on to share that beneath his silent assent to the procedure, he harbored intense anger at Mary for her decision to abort their child.
The couple stayed together and eventually married. In time, the spiritual and emotional fallout from the abortion exacted a heavy toll on their relationship.
“My feeling of anger at Joe was pushed down for so many years that I didn’t even recognize it,” Mary said. “But it was there all the time. I took my anger out on him without ever recognizing where it came from.”
Joe looks at the impact on their relationship: “There was a lack of trust… I blamed her for the loss of the baby. I did things that purposely hurt her. I drank a lot, I gambled, I did a lot of things to escape into a private world where I wouldn’t feel pain.”
Joe and Mary came to understand that without help, they were headed for divorce. They spoke with their pastor, who recommended a weekend retreat for healing after abortion, a program the couple could attend together.
The couple share their experience of the healing weekend.
Mary: “My big breakthrough came when I was able to express my anger at Joe. He had never realized that the abortion had any connection to our behavior. We were able to forgive each other, and to have our baby forgive us.”
Joe shared how his grief was released during the scripture-based exercises and meditations: “I sat there and literally cried during some of the sessions. I was able to express my anger toward myself at my total lack of courage. Once I released that, it’s easier to accept and take ownership for the acts that I did. I feel reborn. I’ve been accepted by God, my wife, and, most of all, by myself.”
Keep in mind, even when only one spouse has a past abortion, the symptoms can have a similar impact on marital trust, communication and intimacy.
Be Not Afraid: An Invitation to Healing
Janet, a ministry leader from the Midwest, knows a priest who helped a couple find healing for their abortion loss on an engaged encounter weekend:
“The girl had an abortion before she met her fiancée, and shared this with the priest ministering on the weekend,” Janet said. “The priest gently invited them to consider attending our healing retreat before they got married…and they immediately signed up.”
The couple had a very positive experience on the healing retreat.
“They will have such a beautiful and holy marriage because it is rooted in the love and spirituality that they now share together,” Janet said.
Hopefully you can now see the wisdom of
Including the topic of abortion healing with couples preparing for marriage can have an enormous impact on couples who have experienced abortion loss.
Those involved with marriage-preparation programs in their faith communities should consider including abortion healing information and resources in their welcome packets. In addition, brief messages about the common symptoms after abortion, their possible impact on relationships, and the benefits of a healing program. (I would be happy to share a message we have developed; email k.burke@rachelsvineyard.org and we will send it.)
Some couples may not have an abortion history at the time of their engagement, but may be tempted to have the procedure when facing an unplanned or complicated pregnancy during their engagement period, or after marriage. Information on the impact of abortion on relationships can help immunize couples from making the tragic decision to abort their preborn child.
If we educate couples and make healing resources available, we provide an opportunity for them to avoid some of the common relational problems experienced after abortion, and enjoy the abundant blessings and joy of a marriage rooted in the love, mercy and healing of Jesus Christ.
LifeNews Note: Kevin Burke, MSS, and Theresa Burke, Ph.D., are pastoral associates of Priests for Life and co-founders of Rachel’s Vineyard.
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