READER’S NOTE:

This is the 5th and final poem from the book “Wilderness: A Crooked Path to the Promised Land” to be posted here on “A Crooked Path.” This poem was written on August 17th, 2010 in one sitting.
 
 

Wilderness: A Crooked Path to the Promised Land

 

 

By Ken Pullen

© 2010 by Ken Pullen

Scripture used is from the King James Version and appears in Italics

 

 
 

Swam with sharks

just another fish

in the chain

lived for today

the moment

no rest

no real vision

only to become devoured every hour

bumping into each other

swam with the current

constant

motion

always motion

in the sinful ocean

predator and prey

immersed in dark

cold waters

dead hungry eyes constantly

intentionally out of focus

swirling

so much life

all really dead

just more bait

unaware of their fate

roiling in murky

chilling waters

among such cold eyes

all looking to quench and devour

the school

of thought

of almost every fish

proclaims cannibalism taboo

as they dine on the bones

the hypocrisy dripping

from lying lips

while constantly stirring the pot

brimming with our own kind stew

unquenchable appetites

always hungering

hour upon endless hour

just another fish

in this sea of sin

was I

 
 

Treading water…

 
 

while

walking parched

upon

barren

sun baked desert sands

thirsting within

nothing

in sight

due to my blindness

from the dark shadow of sin

blistering my spirit

burned soles

never feeding my soul

only living for today

the goal…

 
 

my spirit run aground

upon every shallow shoal

So many years

wandering

so much time

squandering

 
 

Among the technological

 wilderness

within the fleshly tangled

overgrowth of futility

underdevelopment of what truly matters

snares

among the self thought advanced

that manage to stumble

as far as

three steps from a cave

always heading towards the grave

lost

paradise

beyond

my belief, grasp, internal reasoning

all those years

wandering

a kind of prolonged seasoning

always believing

yet certain I was damned

would have no chance of ever reaching

the Promised Land

 
 

Caught up in the undertow

of this worldly life

pulled under with such power

greater than I

pulled down, pulled out

pulled and tossed

into the powerful darkness

life pulled from

my spirit

pulling me closer to real death

the worldly undertow

pulling with such power

to keep the meaningful out

like keeping oxygen from my lungs

constant gnawing annoy-meant

seeking a fleeting tainted enjoyment

the self evaluating

proclaiming good

revealing its true rotted, ugly core

swimming ever on…

 
 

One burning step placed in front of another

physical body and mind

may feel assured

in direction headed

like a man in an unfamiliar place

unawares of his

wandering aimlessly

just filling space

refusing to seek out

a good hearted resident

who knows the lay of the land

no map in hand

as deadness

drowns

daily

my heart and soul

under the black

stagnant

waters

of my lost spirit

given to stubborn

vain wandering

refusing true wisdom

refusing to even take one step near it

 
 

And your children shall wander

in the wilderness

forty years,

and bear your whoredoms,

until your carcases

be wasted in the wilderness

 
 

Shy

of forty years

by only a few less tears

though through the briars

thistles

thickets

of

wantonness I walked…

 
 

wandered, lost

paying no heed to the cost

 
 

Engaging my self

in such sin

as if in a contest I could win!

Excesses of various degrees

all grieving the Lord

Who I ignored

while being my patient Shepherd

knowing always where I was

my condition

though I could not see for myself

how I had wandered so far

became so lost

 
 

I have gone astray

like a lost sheep…

 
 

As I lay me down

in various places, various beds

my head filled with noise

so much so nothing could enter

my heart

nor spirit I would allow to be properly fed,

I did not ask the Lord my soul to keep

 
 

Rather

in rebellion

convinced of my eternal doom

I became boisterous

of mind

confusing yet more confusion

in the daily tempest of constant illusion

within the vortex of perpetual confusion

aware

in part

within some tiny

chamber of my heart

with rusted hinges upon its door

never opening,

no venturing in

to discover what it might store

yet continuing on in illusion

making my presence felt in every room

no humble servant I

wandering

to and fro

my mind and body on the go

pretending to keep my spirit

from being in the know

forgetting that tiny chamber in my heart

sealed and kept dark

O such a sinner, O how Satan has left his vile mark!

My foolishness

in thinking

about not thinking on the ways of the Lord!

Handing the keys to the kingdom

to the worst of thieves and liars

like making my bed each night

upon thorny briars

then wondering why

there is never any rest

calculating

since I was damned

with no chance of redemption

each day would be devoured

consumed

by

my self

without thought

of anything beyond the seen

living obscene

unhappy in the ticking daily reality

yet

such a stunted, lying, veiled realist

living in delusion

kicking the sands of sin

into my own face

to keep me blinded

I’d suck the marrow

from my own bones

rather than

sup at the table of grace

 
 

Exploding

in excess

of such sinful force

like a shark

feeling,

smelling the vibrations

of a capsized ferry

filled with plumb juicy two legged morsels

bobbing insanely around like hor d’ oeuvres

ahh, the increased

feeding frenzy

never satiating my lusts!

All along

every voyage across the channel

it was I

capsizing the boat

each time

willingly

my choice to swim

among the dead-eyed

flesh and soul ripping

sharks

twitching

bewitching

looking for more to devour

hour after hour

quickly dart into darkness

cower

from The Light revealing Truth

while I held my own cold dead heart

clenched in my jaw

never discovering just

how,

all wet I, we really were,

for all those years…

 
 

They were not estranged from their lust.

But while their meat was yet in their mouths.

 
 

I devoured the world

while it consumed my soul

no mere oyster

upon a plate

a gluttonous feast

in constant preparation

frequenting all the stops

along

the wandering way

my daily menu and course

the aromatic fats

of sin

dripping down my

lost

wayward skin

smiling

like a fool about to walk in front of a speeding bus

as the greasy droplets of sin

dripped from my chin

 
 

The heart of him

that hath understanding

seeketh knowledge:

but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness.

 
 

I had forsaken my foundations

tearing down the structure

from my youth

that could have provided refuge, life

sanctuary

leaving a young wife

 following fleshly selfish lusts

falsely proclaiming my understanding

conversion, renewing

in order to satisfy my lusts

greatly grieving, certainly angering the Lord

still wandering lost

all lies eventually revealed

since they have no foundation in truth

I professed my true inner self

exiled, excommunicated

to wander still

further, deeper, longer

living my days in confrontation

my main talent causing strife

lifting my will up

like a body builder

lifting the weighted bar above his head

in vain pursuit

self,

self,

self,

the real mantra uttered

disregarding consequences,

the instruction of my youth,

the teachings in the way of the Lord

stumbling, falling

with such frequency

if it had shown

on my face

my nose would have been

next to one ear,

the scabs of repetitiveness

as thick

as the hide

of a rhinoceros

built up over my eyes

to wander in the wilderness

decade after decade

hour after hour

with spirit gone bitter

heart deadened never pulsing blood

in daily life

for the Son who shed His

so I could truly live…

 
 

rather

I chose to live in death

among the masses of flesh

in each fleeting

fractionally lived moment

determining an eternity

Eating

sin

while always hungry

malnourished my body in carnal pursuit

wherein most everyone a spiritual tapeworm resides

the more consumed

the greater the hunger

more malnourished the spirit

so thin

so brittle

so lifeless

if mine could have been possible to see

in a visible example

a photograph of my spirit’s true size and condition

would have appeared

like a hair on the neck

of an Auschwitz holocaust survivor

on the day of their rescue

 
 

Spiritual food

in my life reached for from the table of the Lord

not amounting to so much as a speck

not so much as a crumb

my not being given to wisdom,

understanding,

and knowledge

of the instruction of God

a single moment

while I consumed the empty wisdom,

errant understanding,

and flatulent knowledge

of the world, the flesh

 
 

 The wisdom of God…

His divine Word…

The way of the Lord…

Redemption, salvation in the sacrifice

of the true and faithful Savior…

understanding and knowledge beyond

comparative worth…

treating those treasures

more valuable than gold

as if they were last centuries

newspapers

 
 

Hear,

O my son,

and receive my sayings;

and the years of thy life shall be many.

I have taught thee in the way of wisdom;

I have led thee in the right paths.

When thou goest thy steps

shall not be straitened;

and when thou runnest,

thou shalt not stumble.

Take fast hold of instruction;

let her not go: keep her;

for she is thy life.

Enter not into the path of the wicked,

and go not in the way of evil men.

Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it,

and pass away.

For they sleep not,

except they have done mischief;

and their sleep is taken away,

unless they cause some to fall.

For they eat the bread

of wickedness,

and drink the wine of violence.

But the path of the just is as the shining light,

that shineth more and more

unto the perfect day.

The way of the wicked

is as darkness:

they know not

at what they stumble.

My son,

attend to my words;

incline thine ear unto my sayings.

Let them not depart

from thine eyes;

keep them in the midst

of thine heart.

For they are life unto those that find them,

and health to all their flesh.

Keep thy heart with all diligence;

for out of it are the issues of life.

Put away from thee

a forward mouth,

and perverse lips put far from thee.

Let thine eyes look right on,

and let thine eyelids

look straight before thee.

Ponder the path of thy feet,

and let all thy ways

be established.

Turn not to the right hand,

nor to the left:

remove thy foot from evil.

 
 

The hours

became days

a continual

imploding upon itself haze

days became months,

months enough through the years

living with my fears

still refusing my heart to grow near

anything to do with God,

though never denying

always believing,

just not living.

Never blaming,

never thinking or expressing anger towards

always believing in the Lord

just convinced eternal life would not be my reward

if in some fleeting passing vapor

I ever thought at all…

 
 

no heavenly reward for such a fallen sinner

such as I

living with the fear to die

consumed in morbid thought

aware, refusing

to turn to what the shed blood

had truly bought

never doubting Jesus Christ

was God come to earth in flesh

lived, died, and arose from death

ember of burning belief

with my life did not mesh

conflicted

conflict

wars rage within

the voices of sin

kept me dragging

their chains

decade upon decade

through the winding parched wilderness

with the answer

right in my heart

within that small sealed chamber

where the flickering, dying spark of Truth was kept

I would not need take another willful

self determined step

if only I would surrender

make my hard cold heart tender

finally find the key to that sealed chamber

shed some Light upon the life of lies I led

yet,

year after year

decade into decade

wandering the wilderness

taking every crooked bend

my foot continued their steps

in the wilderness

the crooked path

upon evil.

 
 

 

I am the man that hath seen affliction

by the rod of his wrath.

He hath led me,

and brought me into darkness,

but not into light.

Surely against me he is turned;

he turneth his hand against me

all the day.

My flesh and my skin

hath he made old;

he hath broken my bones.

He hath builded against me,

and compassed me with gall and travail.

He hath set me in dark places,

as they that be dead of old.

He hath hedged me about,

that I cannot get out:

he hath made my chain heavy.

Also when I cry and shout,

he shutteth out my prayer.

He hath inclosed my ways with hewn stone,

he hath made my paths crooked…

 
 

The wilderness

can cause one

to imagine

being forever lost

certain no one hears

no one cares

regarding our fears

all are unawares

or,

the wilderness gives the illusion

of being found

reaching the destination

at the next crooked bend

the wilderness so skilled

in the beguiling deceptions it can send

 
 

The wilderness

can get very lonely

pushing one day

into the next

merely surviving

with spirit vexed

little chance of hope reviving…

especially after all those weary years…

a sense of being forever lost

the loudness of walking

solitary in the wilderness

keeping any knocking upon the heart

from being heard

noise of confusion

forms layer after layer

coating the heart and spirit

in numbing detached death

while vainly thinking we are living

large,

O small foolish man!

 
 

Yet,

as we reside in this final hour

the Lord still His grace will shower

for a season

before sealing any further offer

 
 

take heed wandering Gentile

 
 

when we make the choice to follow

in His footsteps

on the path to righteousness!

The path will one day soon cease

close,

nevermore

the opportunity for salvation

eternal life

will be shut

all those refusing to heed His call

will wail, cry, and fall…

 
 

And I said,

My strength and my hope

is perished from the Lord:

Remembering mine affliction and my misery,

the wormwood and the gall.

My soul hath them still in remembrance,

and is humbled in me.

This I recall to my mind,

therefore I have hope.

It is of the Lord’s mercies

that we are not consumed,

because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning:

great is Thy faithfulness.

The Lord is my portion,

saith my soul;

therefore I will hope in Him.

The Lord is good

unto them that wait for Him,

to the soul that seeketh Him.

It is good

that a man should both hope

and quietly wait

for the salvation of the Lord.

It is good

for a man

that he bear the yoke of his youth.

He sitteth alone

and keepeth silence,

because He hath borne it upon him.

He putteth his mouth in the dust;

if so be there may be hope.

He giveth his cheek to him

that smiteth him:

he is filled with reproach.

For the Lord will not cast off for ever:

But though He cause grief,

yet will He have compassion

according to the multitude of His mercies.

For He doth not afflict willingly

nor grieve the children of men.

To crush under His feet

all the prisoners of the earth,

To turn aside the right of a man

before the face of the most High,

To subvert a man in his cause,

the Lord approveth not.

Who is he that saith,

and it cometh to pass,

when the Lord commandeth it not?

Out of the mouth of the most High

proceedeth not evil and good.

 
 

I kept within my heart

and spirit of my mind

the words of Paul…

 
 

For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened,

and have tasted of the heavenly gift,

and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost,

And have tasted

the good word of God,

and the powers of the world to come,

If they shall fall away,

to renew them again unto repentance;

seeing they crucify to themselves

the Son of God afresh,

and put Him to open shame.

 
 

…which haunted me

 
 

all those years of my wandering

 
 

until the Lord knocked upon my heart

and I acknowledged to God,

myself,

and others,

how almost forty years ago

I came to the church in a lie,

knowing not true conversion

answering

with insincerity

out of lust for a young woman

who belonged to the church

of my youth,

so I thought I had the answer

would turn my life around

proclaiming to them attending

the Lord Jesus I had found,

only I was not

truly renewed

of spirit and mind

merely making an effort

causing an affront

grieving God, the Son, the Holy Spirit

and in short order

I fell away

to live in sin

day after day,

convinced for my grave error

I was eternally lost

my foolish lust

came at such a cost!

 
 

Yet,

after many decades

of carrying this heavy weight

believing I knew my fate

something miraculous took place

as I yearned in all

my affliction, pain, and travails

to seek the Lord’s face

to discover His True eternal grace

 
 

Feeling the ages

weigh upon me

after decades of wandering

lost

in the wilderness

one winter’s night

I pulled myself

from the murky cold depths

brushed aside the years of encrusted sand

trapping my heart from functioning

and went to my knees

in secret

silence

while I feel certain the heavens opened

and rejoiced!

 
 

Repentance at last!

 
 

The truth at last!

 
 

Totally broken and open

giving my entire being unto the Lord

if He would have me

 
 

No longer serving Satan and the flesh!

 
 

I prayed for forgiveness

as I’d never prayed

in my life before

seeking, speaking, asking of the Lord

speaking truthfully, humbly, earnestly from my soul

it is He I truly adored!

 
 

I rose from my knees

reaching for a Bible

I had earlier pulled from a shelf

praying to God,

asking Him to allow the Holy Spirit

to enter and guide me,

though I deserved it not,

to become nourished

instructed

in His Word

as I was in need

promising I would heed

allowing God and Christ to lead

my life forever

from that moment on

and my hand

reached,

opened

to Luke 15

my eyes went to verse 11

and I began to read

the Word of God

this night, for life, as I never had

 
 

This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord,

that ye henceforth

walk not as other Gentiles walk,

in the vanity of their mind,

Having the understanding darkened,

being alienated from the life of God

through the ignorance that is in them,

because of the blindness of their heart:

Who being past feeling

have given themselves over unto

lasciviousness,

to work all uncleanness with greediness.

But ye have not so learned Christ;

If so be that ye have heard Him,

and have been taught by Him,

as the Truth is in Jesus:

That ye put off concerning the former conversation

the old man,

which is corrupt

according to the deceitful lusts;

And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;

And that ye put on the new man,

which after God is created in righteousness

and true holiness…

 
 

I beseech you therefore,

brethren,

by the mercies of God,

that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice,

holy,

acceptable unto God,

which is your reasonable service.

And be not conformed to this world:

but be ye transformed

by the renewing of your mind,

that ye may prove what is that good,

and acceptable,

and perfect,

will of God.

 
 

I was pulled from the murky cold depths

of death,

from the burning lifeless sands

of the perpetual wilderness

and given the greatest of gifts

because my Savior Jesus Christ

lived, died, and conquered death

arising

taking on my sins,

forgiving me,

and I have become truly

renewed of mind,

and spirit

realizing the flesh

and life we are given

is really a simple calculator

we chose to operate

tabulating each day of our life,

with each word, thought, and deed,

in sum

either our service to the Lord,

or our serving Satan.

 
 

There are no other keys

to press

no other paths to walk

no others to truly serve

we may lie to ourselves

convince ourselves otherwise,

but all that matters in this flesh

is do we serve the Lord?

Or do we serve Satan?

All else truly is vanity,

fleeting, and will rot and pass

do we join in the insanity

serving the world?

Conforming to the sin

thinking some favor here we’ll win

Thus losing everything?

Or in this flesh

do we commit our lives to the Lord

and the peace and eternal life

only He, Yeshua, my Lord can afford?

There are only a few keys to press

and it all adds up,

or we subtract,

take away

each day

from where we can and should be

keeping our eyes fixed upon the Lord

His Word, His Salvation is what we should

live to see

so we can truly live

to do so we must give

up our

self

and take up the cross

each day…

to serve our wondrous Lord!

 
 

We either in this flesh

add up our devotion, love, and service

to God and Jesus Christ

drinking up the eternal life giving waters

nourishing our spirits, hearts,

and souls

on the True Word of God…

 
 

or we serve the world,

live in the world,

deny,

lie,

and continue serving Satan

the prince of this earth…

 
 

for a season.

 
 

The Lord has given me reason

and life!

I no longer wander

once was lost so long

but now I found the way

I’ve reached the Promised Land

for now my spirit

resides on the mount with my Lord

I now truly know what it means

to live with and within the Holy Spirit

each day living,

giving

myself up to the Lord

as a vessel

to be filled,

living to make myself pleasing and acceptable

before the Lord

in daily humble service

drinking of His life giving waters

feasting upon His True Word!

 
 

No more wandering

lost

no more paying the ultimate cost

throwing my soul away

day after day…

 
 

for my spirit already in heaven resides

my love and thanks

I never hide

for in my Lord do I abide

where the ultimate Truth keeps me

provides for me

nourishes me continually

 
 

O wondrous Lord!

I bow to thee in honor and praise

for all my days

for the sacrifice you made

to save a worm such as me

to open my heart

make eyes so I could finally see

my way to the Promised Land!