READER’S NOTE:
This is the 5th and final poem from the book “Wilderness: A Crooked Path to the Promised Land” to be posted here on “A Crooked Path.” This poem was written on August 17th, 2010 in one sitting.
Wilderness: A Crooked Path to the Promised Land
By Ken Pullen
© 2010 by Ken Pullen
Scripture used is from the King James Version and appears in Italics
Swam with sharks
just another fish
in the chain
lived for today
the moment
no rest
no real vision
only to become devoured every hour
bumping into each other
swam with the current
constant
motion
always motion
in the sinful ocean
predator and prey
immersed in dark
cold waters
dead hungry eyes constantly
intentionally out of focus
swirling
so much life
all really dead
just more bait
unaware of their fate
roiling in murky
chilling waters
among such cold eyes
all looking to quench and devour
the school
of thought
of almost every fish
proclaims cannibalism taboo
as they dine on the bones
the hypocrisy dripping
from lying lips
while constantly stirring the pot
brimming with our own kind stew
unquenchable appetites
always hungering
hour upon endless hour
just another fish
in this sea of sin
was I
Treading water…
while
walking parched
upon
barren
sun baked desert sands
thirsting within
nothing
in sight
due to my blindness
from the dark shadow of sin
blistering my spirit
burned soles
never feeding my soul
only living for today
the goal…
my spirit run aground
upon every shallow shoal
So many years
wandering
so much time
squandering
Among the technological
wilderness
within the fleshly tangled
overgrowth of futility
underdevelopment of what truly matters
snares
among the self thought advanced
that manage to stumble
as far as
three steps from a cave
always heading towards the grave
lost
paradise
beyond
my belief, grasp, internal reasoning
all those years
wandering
a kind of prolonged seasoning
always believing
yet certain I was damned
would have no chance of ever reaching
the Promised Land
Caught up in the undertow
of this worldly life
pulled under with such power
greater than I
pulled down, pulled out
pulled and tossed
into the powerful darkness
life pulled from
my spirit
pulling me closer to real death
the worldly undertow
pulling with such power
to keep the meaningful out
like keeping oxygen from my lungs
constant gnawing annoy-meant
seeking a fleeting tainted enjoyment
the self evaluating
proclaiming good
revealing its true rotted, ugly core
swimming ever on…
One burning step placed in front of another
physical body and mind
may feel assured
in direction headed
like a man in an unfamiliar place
unawares of his
wandering aimlessly
just filling space
refusing to seek out
a good hearted resident
who knows the lay of the land
no map in hand
as deadness
drowns
daily
my heart and soul
under the black
stagnant
waters
of my lost spirit
given to stubborn
vain wandering
refusing true wisdom
refusing to even take one step near it
And your children shall wander
in the wilderness
forty years,
and bear your whoredoms,
until your carcases
be wasted in the wilderness
Shy
of forty years
by only a few less tears
though through the briars
thistles
thickets
of
wantonness I walked…
wandered, lost
paying no heed to the cost
Engaging my self
in such sin
as if in a contest I could win!
Excesses of various degrees
all grieving the Lord
Who I ignored
while being my patient Shepherd
knowing always where I was
my condition
though I could not see for myself
how I had wandered so far
became so lost
I have gone astray
like a lost sheep…
As I lay me down
in various places, various beds
my head filled with noise
so much so nothing could enter
my heart
nor spirit I would allow to be properly fed,
I did not ask the Lord my soul to keep
Rather
in rebellion
convinced of my eternal doom
I became boisterous
of mind
confusing yet more confusion
in the daily tempest of constant illusion
within the vortex of perpetual confusion
aware
in part
within some tiny
chamber of my heart
with rusted hinges upon its door
never opening,
no venturing in
to discover what it might store
yet continuing on in illusion
making my presence felt in every room
no humble servant I
wandering
to and fro
my mind and body on the go
pretending to keep my spirit
from being in the know
forgetting that tiny chamber in my heart
sealed and kept dark
O such a sinner, O how Satan has left his vile mark!
My foolishness
in thinking
about not thinking on the ways of the Lord!
Handing the keys to the kingdom
to the worst of thieves and liars
like making my bed each night
upon thorny briars
then wondering why
there is never any rest
calculating
since I was damned
with no chance of redemption
each day would be devoured
consumed
by
my self
without thought
of anything beyond the seen
living obscene
unhappy in the ticking daily reality
yet
such a stunted, lying, veiled realist
living in delusion
kicking the sands of sin
into my own face
to keep me blinded
I’d suck the marrow
from my own bones
rather than
sup at the table of grace
Exploding
in excess
of such sinful force
like a shark
feeling,
smelling the vibrations
of a capsized ferry
filled with plumb juicy two legged morsels
bobbing insanely around like hor d’ oeuvres
ahh, the increased
feeding frenzy
never satiating my lusts!
All along
every voyage across the channel
it was I
capsizing the boat
each time
willingly
my choice to swim
among the dead-eyed
flesh and soul ripping
sharks
twitching
bewitching
looking for more to devour
hour after hour
quickly dart into darkness
cower
from The Light revealing Truth
while I held my own cold dead heart
clenched in my jaw
never discovering just
how,
all wet I, we really were,
for all those years…
They were not estranged from their lust.
But while their meat was yet in their mouths.
I devoured the world
while it consumed my soul
no mere oyster
upon a plate
a gluttonous feast
in constant preparation
frequenting all the stops
along
the wandering way
my daily menu and course
the aromatic fats
of sin
dripping down my
lost
wayward skin
smiling
like a fool about to walk in front of a speeding bus
as the greasy droplets of sin
dripped from my chin
The heart of him
that hath understanding
seeketh knowledge:
but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness.
I had forsaken my foundations
tearing down the structure
from my youth
that could have provided refuge, life
sanctuary
leaving a young wife
following fleshly selfish lusts
falsely proclaiming my understanding
conversion, renewing
in order to satisfy my lusts
greatly grieving, certainly angering the Lord
still wandering lost
all lies eventually revealed
since they have no foundation in truth
I professed my true inner self
exiled, excommunicated
to wander still
further, deeper, longer
living my days in confrontation
my main talent causing strife
lifting my will up
like a body builder
lifting the weighted bar above his head
in vain pursuit
self,
self,
self,
the real mantra uttered
disregarding consequences,
the instruction of my youth,
the teachings in the way of the Lord
stumbling, falling
with such frequency
if it had shown
on my face
my nose would have been
next to one ear,
the scabs of repetitiveness
as thick
as the hide
of a rhinoceros
built up over my eyes
to wander in the wilderness
decade after decade
hour after hour
with spirit gone bitter
heart deadened never pulsing blood
in daily life
for the Son who shed His
so I could truly live…
rather
I chose to live in death
among the masses of flesh
in each fleeting
fractionally lived moment
determining an eternity
Eating
sin
while always hungry
malnourished my body in carnal pursuit
wherein most everyone a spiritual tapeworm resides
the more consumed
the greater the hunger
more malnourished the spirit
so thin
so brittle
so lifeless
if mine could have been possible to see
in a visible example
a photograph of my spirit’s true size and condition
would have appeared
like a hair on the neck
of an Auschwitz holocaust survivor
on the day of their rescue
Spiritual food
in my life reached for from the table of the Lord
not amounting to so much as a speck
not so much as a crumb
my not being given to wisdom,
understanding,
and knowledge
of the instruction of God
a single moment
while I consumed the empty wisdom,
errant understanding,
and flatulent knowledge
of the world, the flesh
The wisdom of God…
His divine Word…
The way of the Lord…
Redemption, salvation in the sacrifice
of the true and faithful Savior…
understanding and knowledge beyond
comparative worth…
treating those treasures
more valuable than gold
as if they were last centuries
newspapers
Hear,
O my son,
and receive my sayings;
and the years of thy life shall be many.
I have taught thee in the way of wisdom;
I have led thee in the right paths.
When thou goest thy steps
shall not be straitened;
and when thou runnest,
thou shalt not stumble.
Take fast hold of instruction;
let her not go: keep her;
for she is thy life.
Enter not into the path of the wicked,
and go not in the way of evil men.
Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it,
and pass away.
For they sleep not,
except they have done mischief;
and their sleep is taken away,
unless they cause some to fall.
For they eat the bread
of wickedness,
and drink the wine of violence.
But the path of the just is as the shining light,
that shineth more and more
unto the perfect day.
The way of the wicked
is as darkness:
they know not
at what they stumble.
My son,
attend to my words;
incline thine ear unto my sayings.
Let them not depart
from thine eyes;
keep them in the midst
of thine heart.
For they are life unto those that find them,
and health to all their flesh.
Keep thy heart with all diligence;
for out of it are the issues of life.
Put away from thee
a forward mouth,
and perverse lips put far from thee.
Let thine eyes look right on,
and let thine eyelids
look straight before thee.
Ponder the path of thy feet,
and let all thy ways
be established.
Turn not to the right hand,
nor to the left:
remove thy foot from evil.
The hours
became days
a continual
imploding upon itself haze
days became months,
months enough through the years
living with my fears
still refusing my heart to grow near
anything to do with God,
though never denying
always believing,
just not living.
Never blaming,
never thinking or expressing anger towards
always believing in the Lord
just convinced eternal life would not be my reward
if in some fleeting passing vapor
I ever thought at all…
no heavenly reward for such a fallen sinner
such as I
living with the fear to die
consumed in morbid thought
aware, refusing
to turn to what the shed blood
had truly bought
never doubting Jesus Christ
was God come to earth in flesh
lived, died, and arose from death
ember of burning belief
with my life did not mesh
conflicted
conflict
wars rage within
the voices of sin
kept me dragging
their chains
decade upon decade
through the winding parched wilderness
with the answer
right in my heart
within that small sealed chamber
where the flickering, dying spark of Truth was kept
I would not need take another willful
self determined step
if only I would surrender
make my hard cold heart tender
finally find the key to that sealed chamber
shed some Light upon the life of lies I led
yet,
year after year
decade into decade
wandering the wilderness
taking every crooked bend
my foot continued their steps
in the wilderness
the crooked path
upon evil.
I am the man that hath seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.
He hath led me,
and brought me into darkness,
but not into light.
Surely against me he is turned;
he turneth his hand against me
all the day.
My flesh and my skin
hath he made old;
he hath broken my bones.
He hath builded against me,
and compassed me with gall and travail.
He hath set me in dark places,
as they that be dead of old.
He hath hedged me about,
that I cannot get out:
he hath made my chain heavy.
Also when I cry and shout,
he shutteth out my prayer.
He hath inclosed my ways with hewn stone,
he hath made my paths crooked…
The wilderness
can cause one
to imagine
being forever lost
certain no one hears
no one cares
regarding our fears
all are unawares
or,
the wilderness gives the illusion
of being found
reaching the destination
at the next crooked bend
the wilderness so skilled
in the beguiling deceptions it can send
The wilderness
can get very lonely
pushing one day
into the next
merely surviving
with spirit vexed
little chance of hope reviving…
especially after all those weary years…
a sense of being forever lost
the loudness of walking
solitary in the wilderness
keeping any knocking upon the heart
from being heard
noise of confusion
forms layer after layer
coating the heart and spirit
in numbing detached death
while vainly thinking we are living
large,
O small foolish man!
Yet,
as we reside in this final hour
the Lord still His grace will shower
for a season
before sealing any further offer
take heed wandering Gentile
when we make the choice to follow
in His footsteps
on the path to righteousness!
The path will one day soon cease
close,
nevermore
the opportunity for salvation
eternal life
will be shut
all those refusing to heed His call
will wail, cry, and fall…
And I said,
My strength and my hope
is perished from the Lord:
Remembering mine affliction and my misery,
the wormwood and the gall.
My soul hath them still in remembrance,
and is humbled in me.
This I recall to my mind,
therefore I have hope.
It is of the Lord’s mercies
that we are not consumed,
because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning:
great is Thy faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion,
saith my soul;
therefore I will hope in Him.
The Lord is good
unto them that wait for Him,
to the soul that seeketh Him.
It is good
that a man should both hope
and quietly wait
for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good
for a man
that he bear the yoke of his youth.
He sitteth alone
and keepeth silence,
because He hath borne it upon him.
He putteth his mouth in the dust;
if so be there may be hope.
He giveth his cheek to him
that smiteth him:
he is filled with reproach.
For the Lord will not cast off for ever:
But though He cause grief,
yet will He have compassion
according to the multitude of His mercies.
For He doth not afflict willingly
nor grieve the children of men.
To crush under His feet
all the prisoners of the earth,
To turn aside the right of a man
before the face of the most High,
To subvert a man in his cause,
the Lord approveth not.
Who is he that saith,
and it cometh to pass,
when the Lord commandeth it not?
Out of the mouth of the most High
proceedeth not evil and good.
I kept within my heart
and spirit of my mind
the words of Paul…
For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened,
and have tasted of the heavenly gift,
and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost,
And have tasted
the good word of God,
and the powers of the world to come,
If they shall fall away,
to renew them again unto repentance;
seeing they crucify to themselves
the Son of God afresh,
and put Him to open shame.
…which haunted me
all those years of my wandering
until the Lord knocked upon my heart
and I acknowledged to God,
myself,
and others,
how almost forty years ago
I came to the church in a lie,
knowing not true conversion
answering
with insincerity
out of lust for a young woman
who belonged to the church
of my youth,
so I thought I had the answer
would turn my life around
proclaiming to them attending
the Lord Jesus I had found,
only I was not
truly renewed
of spirit and mind
merely making an effort
causing an affront
grieving God, the Son, the Holy Spirit
and in short order
I fell away
to live in sin
day after day,
convinced for my grave error
I was eternally lost
my foolish lust
came at such a cost!
Yet,
after many decades
of carrying this heavy weight
believing I knew my fate
something miraculous took place
as I yearned in all
my affliction, pain, and travails
to seek the Lord’s face
to discover His True eternal grace
Feeling the ages
weigh upon me
after decades of wandering
lost
in the wilderness
one winter’s night
I pulled myself
from the murky cold depths
brushed aside the years of encrusted sand
trapping my heart from functioning
and went to my knees
in secret
silence
while I feel certain the heavens opened
and rejoiced!
Repentance at last!
The truth at last!
Totally broken and open
giving my entire being unto the Lord
if He would have me
No longer serving Satan and the flesh!
I prayed for forgiveness
as I’d never prayed
in my life before
seeking, speaking, asking of the Lord
speaking truthfully, humbly, earnestly from my soul
it is He I truly adored!
I rose from my knees
reaching for a Bible
I had earlier pulled from a shelf
praying to God,
asking Him to allow the Holy Spirit
to enter and guide me,
though I deserved it not,
to become nourished
instructed
in His Word
as I was in need
promising I would heed
allowing God and Christ to lead
my life forever
from that moment on
and my hand
reached,
opened
to Luke 15
my eyes went to verse 11
and I began to read
the Word of God
this night, for life, as I never had
This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord,
that ye henceforth
walk not as other Gentiles walk,
in the vanity of their mind,
Having the understanding darkened,
being alienated from the life of God
through the ignorance that is in them,
because of the blindness of their heart:
Who being past feeling
have given themselves over unto
lasciviousness,
to work all uncleanness with greediness.
But ye have not so learned Christ;
If so be that ye have heard Him,
and have been taught by Him,
as the Truth is in Jesus:
That ye put off concerning the former conversation
the old man,
which is corrupt
according to the deceitful lusts;
And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
And that ye put on the new man,
which after God is created in righteousness
and true holiness…
I beseech you therefore,
brethren,
by the mercies of God,
that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice,
holy,
acceptable unto God,
which is your reasonable service.
And be not conformed to this world:
but be ye transformed
by the renewing of your mind,
that ye may prove what is that good,
and acceptable,
and perfect,
will of God.
I was pulled from the murky cold depths
of death,
from the burning lifeless sands
of the perpetual wilderness
and given the greatest of gifts
because my Savior Jesus Christ
lived, died, and conquered death
arising
taking on my sins,
forgiving me,
and I have become truly
renewed of mind,
and spirit
realizing the flesh
and life we are given
is really a simple calculator
we chose to operate
tabulating each day of our life,
with each word, thought, and deed,
in sum
either our service to the Lord,
or our serving Satan.
There are no other keys
to press
no other paths to walk
no others to truly serve
we may lie to ourselves
convince ourselves otherwise,
but all that matters in this flesh
is do we serve the Lord?
Or do we serve Satan?
All else truly is vanity,
fleeting, and will rot and pass
do we join in the insanity
serving the world?
Conforming to the sin
thinking some favor here we’ll win
Thus losing everything?
Or in this flesh
do we commit our lives to the Lord
and the peace and eternal life
only He, Yeshua, my Lord can afford?
There are only a few keys to press
and it all adds up,
or we subtract,
take away
each day
from where we can and should be
keeping our eyes fixed upon the Lord
His Word, His Salvation is what we should
live to see
so we can truly live
to do so we must give
up our
self
and take up the cross
each day…
to serve our wondrous Lord!
We either in this flesh
add up our devotion, love, and service
to God and Jesus Christ
drinking up the eternal life giving waters
nourishing our spirits, hearts,
and souls
on the True Word of God…
or we serve the world,
live in the world,
deny,
lie,
and continue serving Satan
the prince of this earth…
for a season.
The Lord has given me reason
and life!
I no longer wander
once was lost so long
but now I found the way
I’ve reached the Promised Land
for now my spirit
resides on the mount with my Lord
I now truly know what it means
to live with and within the Holy Spirit
each day living,
giving
myself up to the Lord
as a vessel
to be filled,
living to make myself pleasing and acceptable
before the Lord
in daily humble service
drinking of His life giving waters
feasting upon His True Word!
No more wandering
lost
no more paying the ultimate cost
throwing my soul away
day after day…
for my spirit already in heaven resides
my love and thanks
I never hide
for in my Lord do I abide
where the ultimate Truth keeps me
provides for me
nourishes me continually
O wondrous Lord!
I bow to thee in honor and praise
for all my days
for the sacrifice you made
to save a worm such as me
to open my heart
make eyes so I could finally see
my way to the Promised Land!
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